Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize