Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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