Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
