Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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