im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I bet he comes in French.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
