you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
