i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
