You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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