Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
