When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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