Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Everyone says I win the strip club
I supernannyed him into submission
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize