3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
