Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
