I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
