I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
