my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
