Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize