Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
