Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
