nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
