Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
