your room smells of hookers.
And success
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
