Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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