I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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