you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
