Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
