just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
