Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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