oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
