Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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