Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize