If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
