where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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