I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
