how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
