your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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