this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
