On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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