Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
