So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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