Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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