only if we run a train.
done.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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