I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Rumble strips road head = magical
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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