I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
