before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
