how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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