meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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