I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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