I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
