I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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