There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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