You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
