Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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