Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
