I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
