They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
