I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
