scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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