My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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