made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize