If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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